It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."

"Where are you?" she asked.

She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

I went a wise man the other day for advice and he said, "He who knows and knows he knows, knows not. He who knows not and knows he knows not, knows."

I don't know who's going to do my taxes next year, but I know it won't be him again.

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She is in for a rude awakening.

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."