I took Buzz Lightyear Christmas shopping with me.

We went to Bed, Bath & Beyond!

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

My son couldn't sleep. So I told him there are cows sleeping in the field outside.

He said: “What’s that go to do with anything?”

I replied: “Because it's pasture bedtime.”

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.