Little Johnny: "Mom, Dad just backed out of the garage and ran over my bicycle!"

Mom: "Maybe in the future you shouldn't leave it on the front lawn."

Joe: "Say Moe, I'll bet you $10 that I can prove to you that I'm not actually here."

Moe: "Not actually here? That makes no sense."

Joe: "Well then, I'll prove it. Am I in Chicago?"

Moe: "No."

Joe: "Am I in New York?"

Moe: "No."

Joe: "Am I in Hawaii?"

Moe: "No."

Joe: "If I'm not in any of those places, I must be somewhere else, and if I'm somewhere else, then I'm not here. I'll take my $10 now, please."

Moe: "How can I pay you if you're not here?"

Three very mischievous old ladies are sitting on a park bench when they see an old man walk by. "Say, fella," the first lady says. "I bet we can guess your age."

The man pauses and looks at them skeptically. "Guess my age? that's impossible."

"C'mon, we'll show you," the second lady says. "First, we'll need to look up your nose." Embarrassed by the notion but wondering if the ladies truly knew something, the old man walks over and lifts his head, enabling them to look right up his nose.

"Okay, now stick one finger up your nose, one finger in your ear, cross your eyes and sing Danny Boy in a loud voice." the third lady says. The man then does so; the ladies muse for a few moments, before saying, "You are 87 years old."

"Why, that's incredible," the man gasps. "That's absolutely right! Tell me, how were you able to tell?" He had silently wondered how all of these seemingly random methods had enabled the ladies to find out his age.

The ladies reply, "We were at your birthday party."

A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. "But the arms and legs don't match," he says. "One arm and one leg is shorter than the other."

"That's why it's such a bargain," the salesperson replies. "But don't worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice."

"Well.....okay."

The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.

"Good Heavens," the first lady says. "That poor man looks like he's in a lot of pain!"

"Yes," the second lady says. "But his suit certainly fits well."