elderly jokes

My son got a new car and it has every bell and whistle you can imagine.

"Take it out for a drive," my son said.

I started backing out of the driveway and this cool little TV screen popped up and strangely was showing some video of a kid on a skateboard getting hit by a car.

I went to visit my elderly grandmother.

I'll never forget her last words before she kicked the bucket.

She said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing, so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?"

A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."