Not long ago, an elderly, slim and trim lady was admitted to the hospital. After she finished giving a nurse her information, she asked the nurse if she could help her to the bathroom.
Above the commode, she noticed a note. It read, 'Toilet weight 300 pounds'.
She turned to the nurse and asked, "Why would I want to lift a toilet?"
An old lady went on a cruise. When the ship was underway, she stood on the upper deck and watched the world go by. The day was very windy so she stood with one hand holding down her hat.
A young man walked by and excused himself to address her. "Madam, are you aware that your skirt is blowing in the wind and fully exposing you?"
"Yes," she replied.
"But, your rear end is totally exposed?" he said.
"Young man, everything down there is quite old. My hat, on the other hand, I bought yesterday."
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.
"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
An older couple were making their funeral arrangements. The cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You will have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.
The husband didn't buy it, he replied, "Unless you will be including a periscope with my casket, I do not think I will enjoy it."