elderly jokes

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old bugger had a newspaper route!”

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

Two old guys were chatting...

One said to the other, "My 85th birthday was yesterday.The wife gave me an SUV."

Other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy, "Yup... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

A woman on the phone to her friend...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising!

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.