elderly jokes

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

My aging father who definitely qualifies as your stereo typical “grumpy old man” hasn’t adjusted well to technology. Mistakenly I taught him how to send text messages.

After a week of pure mayhem and upsetting most every family member, he blames “auto correct” for putting words in his mouth. Apparently he doesn’t seem to understand that auto correct won’t fix an entire paragraph.

I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home... before I get to where I am going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid, etc.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because... I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies!

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...

I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the widow replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."