"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting."
A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only six month's to live because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"
A few animals are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night with the check.
The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill!"
The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."
The elephant blurts out, "It's on me, I have enough money in the trunk!"