I hired a lawyer who claims to have never lost a case. We lost the case and I said, "Well, there goes your advertising claim."
He replied, "I got paid and I call that a win!"
"What if I don't pay you?" I asked.
"I advise you to pay. I'll take you to court, get a judgement for the money you owe plus expenses. I'd call that a win win!"
I said, "Okay then, what do I owe you?"
His reply, "$2500 dollars plus $350."
"What's the 350 for?" I demanded to know.
His answer... "The advice I just gave you."
Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench. "Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."
Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."
Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."
A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point, "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted, "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”