One Friday afternoon, a man walks up to an ATM machine to deposit his check. Upon his turn, the ATM shuts down for repairs so the man walks into the bank. Inside the bank, there are about 30 people inside waiting to make transactions and the line is moving really, really slow.
The man gets impatient, sigh loudly, tapping his foot and making comments aloud. All of a sudden the man behind him reaches up and begins to massages his shoulders.
1st man - HEY! What are you doing?!?!
2nd man - Well sir, I'm a masseuse and you look a little tense so I thought I'd help you out with a massage!
1st man - Well, that's just great buddy. I'm a lawyer - you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do ya?
A lawyer called his client but their young son answered the phone, whispering "Hello?"
The lawyer asked if the boy's parents were home and the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, but they can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." A bit frustrated the lawyer asked if anyone else was home, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, my brothers are home, my sisters are home..."
The lawyer asked the young boy to put one of them on the phone, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "They can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." Now very frustrated the lawyer asked if anyone else was home, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, my aunts are here, my uncles are here..."
The lawyer asked the young boy to put one of them on the phone, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "They can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." Now completely frustrated the lawyer screams, "What are what are they all doing?"
The boy replied in a whisper, "They're looking for me".
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and
proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the
little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in
the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."