Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
My son couldn't sleep. So I told him there are cows sleeping in the field outside.
He said: “What’s that go to do with anything?”
I replied: “Because it's pasture bedtime.”
Mrs. Marble, a Sunday School teacher, was telling her students about the time when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.
Little Percy interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
Me: "The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches."
Wife: "Okay, just throw them out."
Me (helping the kids pack a suitcase): “Look, I’m just as surprised as you are.”