Husband: You brought home donuts. I thought we agreed, no sweets, while you were on your diet.
Wife: I know it but the Lord wanted me to have them.
Husband: How do you know the Lord wanted you to have them?
Wife: As I was approaching the donut shop I said to the Lord, "If it's your will for me to have donuts, let there be a parking space open right in front of the shop".
Husband: So I suppose there was an open parking space?
Wife: Absolutely! The eighth time around the block there it was.
"Darn!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself at the local drug store scale. "I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than I was before."
Turning to his friend, he said, "Here, hold my jacket." The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight.
"OK," he said to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies."