A mother was visiting her son on an Army base, and chatted with a colleague of his.
"What rank are you?" she asked.
"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."
"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
"No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."
The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school.
The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:
"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:
"Resume all unnecessary work."