The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.
"If the main parachute malfunctions," he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, "The rest of your life."
One morning, in basic training, the drill sergeant came out and said he needed a volunteer for KP duty in the mess hall. After a minute of silence he pointed to a recruit and said, "You Volunteered!"
Panicking, the recruit said, "I didn't volunteer..."
The drill sergeant looked at him and said, "Were you drafted?"
The drill sergeant smiled at him and said, "That's right! Therefore you volunteered."
Two soldiers were watching the night sky in Afghanistan when a shooting star came into view. One soldier said, "Look, it's an omen. Something bad is about to happen."
The other one looked and said, "I'm not superstitious. That is not an omen."
In the next instant the shooting star, about the size of a car, crashed to earth landing on top of the soldier. In great pain he slowly crawled out from under the meteorite and said, "Okay, wow... now that's an omen!"