Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
"I hate to have to tell you this," said Dr. Mike Wilson in a sad compassionate voice, "but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"That's terrible!" said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. "I don't know if I could handle being in quarantine... and the cheese and bologna diet... What's with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I've never of such a diet before?!"
"It's not exactly a diet," responded Doctor Wilson, "it's just the only food that will fit under the door."