Latest Jokes

Genie: OK, I'm ready for your third wish.

Me: Third? What about the first two?

Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them.

Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think.

Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.

Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they started to think about their home back in Arizona.

The wife asked, “Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we came away?”

“No, honey, I clean forgot. Sorry.”

”Did you remember to pay the electric bill before we left home?”

“No, I completely forgot. Sorry.”

”Did you remember to pay the gas bill?”

”Do you know, that slipped my mind, too. Sorry.”

“And did you remember to pay the six-monthly tax bill?”

”I knew there was something important I had to do. I’m really sorry honey.”

”Well, at least there’s one good thing,” sighed the wife.

“What’s that?”

”They’ll find us.”

Two neighbors living in New York’s stockbroker belt were discussing how they had made their respective fortunes.

One said, “When I came here from Mexico three years ago, all I had was the boots on my feet and a sack on my back. Look at me now: a $10 million house, a $3 million penthouse apartment, three classic cars worth $1 million each, a yacht worth $3 million, and $5 million in the bank.”

“That’s amazing,” said his neighbor. “Tell me, what was in the sack?”

“Twenty-four million dollars.”