The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were debating whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said: “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Similarly when I get good cards, the dealer isn’t responsible. So why should I tip him?”
The dealer countered: “When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?”
“Well, he serves you food, and I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.”
“Fair enough,” said the player, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an eight...”
Two dog owners were boasting about the intelligence of their pets.
“The smartest dog I ever had,” said one, “was an amazing Afghan hound that could play cards. He was amazing at poker, he could beat anyone, even professionals. But I had to have him put down.”
“You had him put to sleep?” said the other. “You must be crazy. A bright dog like that could be worth a million dollars.”
“I had no choice. I caught him using marked cards.”
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?"
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.