A man was contesting his speeding ticket in front of the judge.
Judge: Sir, it says here that you were speeding 20 miles over the speed limit.
Man: Impossible, your Honor. There’s NO WAY I could have been going that fast!
Judge: Really! Why is that?
Man: Well, my wife was away visiting her parents and after a week of partying, I was on my way to pick her up. The house was a mess, I hadn’t done any dishes, the bed wasn’t made in a week and there were pizza boxes all over the house. Now let me ask you, your Honor, do you think I’d be speeding to go pick her up?
Judge: Case dismissed!
After dinner one evening a the President was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor and said, "I understand you love music?"
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind, you keep right on playing..."
"My wife and I have always had a give and take relationship but since we had the baby she seems to have learned how to soften me up and gets her way more often which I'm very OK with really."
"Changed behavior is usually learned behavior; whose she been hanging out with lately?" asked my best friend.