Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”
A scientist, wishing to test out the theory that music had tones to sooth the savage beast, takes a plane trip to Africa. Sitting on a rock in the middle of the jungle, he begins to play classical music on a small violin. Almost immediately, a large collection of animals, lions, monkeys, elephants, zebras, rhinos, birds, leopards and the like, begin gathering around and swaying happily to the music.
Suddenly, a crocodile ambles out of the water, leaps at the scientist and catches him on the throat with its mouth, causing him to pass out from the shock. The other animals glare at the crocodile disapprovingly. "What did you do that for?" a leopard demands. "We were enjoying that."
The crocodile looks up at the group of animals and says, "I don't know about you folks, but Stravinsky's Petrushka leaves me cold."
A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. After the waiter brings it to him, the man pours the coffee into the vase on the table, and eats the cup and saucer, except for the handle, which he places on the table. He then orders another cup of coffee; after the waiter brings to to him, he pours out the coffee again, eats the cup and saucer and places the handle on the table again. He does this several times until there's a large pile of coffee cup handles on the table.
As the man finishes eating another coffee cup, he notices the waiter looking at him quizzically. "Why, you must think I'm crazy!" he says.
"Not at all, sir," the waiter replies. "I only wonder why you keep throwing the handle away; it's the best part."
Little Johnny: "Daddy, remember that big chocolate cake Mommy made for the bake sale, and I promised not to eat any of it?"
Dad: "Yes, son."
Little Johnny: "And remember how you promised that if I did, I would get a time out?"
Dad: "Yes, son."
Little Johnny: "Well, now that I've broken my promise, it's probably only fair that you break yours too."