Whenever you feel sad...
It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!
Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."
Doctor: "How come?"
Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."
FOR SALE BY OWNER...
Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
$100 or best offer.
Reason for sale: No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"
Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."