An applicant was filling out a job application. He came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway... "Never got caught."
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations...
On a door: "Push. If that doesn't work, pull. If that doesn't work, we must be closed."
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
Outside a photographer's studio: "Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also."
In a store: "Prices subject to change according to customer's attitude."
Next to a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'p' in it. Let's keep it that way."
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle. "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.