A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this, my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
We are interrupting our regularly scheduled jokes for today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.
"What's your job there?" the caller asked.
The man replied, "I'm the company president."
There was a pause. Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.
I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"
She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"
I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"