A woman was talking to a co-worker, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything away, I am always going around the house cleaning up after him."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her co-worker replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
My girlfriend has started calling my hair “the economy”....
She says it's because my hair is showing signs of a recession.
An early visitor to the local donut shop was explaining, "I love to hear the alarm clock go off. I can't understand people who are annoyed. To me it seems to symbol the symbol of our existence itself. It is a sign that a great city is awaking from its deep slumber, that a new day is beginning, that the streets and buildings will soon be filled with surging progressive life. I love the sound of the alarm clock."
Another patron replied, "My you are the ambitious one. What line of business are you in?"
"I am a night watchman."
Chauffeur: "All this talk about back-seat drivers is a bunch of nothing. I've driven a car for over ten years and have never heard a word from behind.
Cabby: "What type car do you drive?"
Chauffeur: "A Hearse."