The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
The psychiatrist pulls the new nurse to the side.
"Is something wrong, Doctor?" she asks.
The psychiatrist takes a moment before answering, "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
"Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday."
"Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?"
"What do you mean 'took them out of their shells!'"