I asked my therapist what I could do about my fear of hugging.

She said, "Embrace it."

• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing, so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

Today I took my car in for a quick oil change at a business that features a prominent disclaimer saying they do not warranty their workmanship.

It's called Iffy Lube.

I saw a coupon for a discount on a vasectomy.

I clipped it.