Patient: "Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up... something to get me fired up and put me in a fighting mood. Did you put anything like that in this prescription?"
Doctor: "No, not in the prescription. You'll find that in the bill."
"I saw the doctor you told us to see."
"Did you tell him I sent you?"
"Yes, I did."
"What did he say?"
"He asked me to pay in advance."
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
Pretty Nurse: "Every time I take the patient's pulse it gets faster. What should I do?"
Doctor: "Blindfold him."