I told my wife I had a crush on Beyoncé.

She replied with, “Well, whatever floats your boat.”

I'm confused because that's Buoyancy.

For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wife's spice rack.

So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

Officer: You were speeding.

Man: No, I wasn't.

Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.

Man: But I wasn't speeding.

Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)

Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?

Officer: Yes, you would.

Man: What if I just thought that you were?

Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.

Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk.