"I hate to have to tell you this," said Dr. Mike Wilson in a sad compassionate voice, "but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"That's terrible!" said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. "I don't know if I could handle being in quarantine... and the cheese and bologna diet... What's with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I've never of such a diet before?!"
"It's not exactly a diet," responded Doctor Wilson, "it's just the only food that will fit under the door."
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
A father thought it was about time to lecture his son, who was somewhat scatter-brained and frivolous.
"Jim," he said, "you're getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think, if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?"
"I'd be right here, dad," said Jim. "The better question is, where would YOU be?"