Latest Jokes

I get my cereal from a tiger, insurance from a gecko, toilet paper from a bear, financial advice from a gorilla.

It's people I don't trust.

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, and a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age, a CD was a bank account.

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file, and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.