Latest Jokes

My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.

The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, "Did I get it all?"

Here's a quick guide to calorie-burning activities that do not require physical exercise, and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush - 75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around - 50-300 (depending on your weight)
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Running around in circles - 350
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out the stops - 75
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add some additional activities, including:

Opening a can of worms - 50
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Putting your foot in your mouth - 300

And finally
Picking up the pieces after - 350

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

I found a rock that is 1760 yards long...

It must be a MILESTONE!