Latest Jokes

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you...err... broken wind yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled. "Jesus Saves," he said.

A lady staying in a hotel kept a pet parrot who she would often let out of the cage to fly around the room. One day, the lady was about to leave to do some errands, but had forgotten to check whether she had closed the parrot's cage door or not; because she was in a hurry and didn't have time to go back, she quickly wrote up a note, reading, "Please enter with care, Pet flies!" and taped it to the door.

By the end of the day, the cleaning lady went to meet with the hotel manager. "Have you cleaned all of the rooms?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied. "All except for the room of that one tenant with the pet flies."

My wife said, "Honey I didn’t marry you for your good looks, because you’re not so handsome, and I didn’t marry you for your money either because we’re always broke, I married you for your brain, BECAUSE it’s the little things that count."