Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop.
"What's the matter?!" she asked.
"Where's the body?!" demanded the officer.
"What are you talking about?"
"We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being butchered to pieces in this house."
The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said.
The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands. A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”
Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”
Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. “Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little behind. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”
Mick and Paddy were working on the building site and stopped to have lunch. They sat on the 3rd floor veranda to eat their sandwiches. Paddy opened his lunch box and said, "I hate egg sandwiches." He then got up and threw them off the site onto the concrete below.
Next day, the same thing happened. He looked at his lunch box and said, "I hate egg sandwiches" and threw them over on to the concrete. The third day was similar, so he threw himself over on to the concrete.
Mick sent for an ambulance , to take him to hospital and then went to see Paddy's wife. He said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Paddy has been taken to hospital."
Paddy's wife said, "What happened?"
"I think it was your fault."
"Why would you say that?"
"Well, he said he hated egg sandwiches and threw himself off the balcony on to the concrete."
His wife said, "Well don't blame me, he makes his own sandwiches!"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."