During the school year, the public library where I work is open on Sunday afternoons. Signs posted around the library read, Sunday service available 1:30-5:00, September-June. One day a woman was returning some books when she noticed one of these signs.
"Oh, you have Sunday service now?" she asked me.
"Yes, from 1:30 to 5:00, September through June," I explained.
"I see," she said. "And what denomination is it?"
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “Papers?”
I replied, “Scissors, I win” and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match because he’s been following me for 45 minutes.
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"