Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus:
10. Co-workers refer to you as ''the ghost of unemployment future.''
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.
7. What you call ''my new office'' everybody else calls ''the supply closet.''
6. Boss's Christmas card says, ''Don't let the door hit you on the way out.''
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants.
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies.
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw.
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word ''terrible'' appeared 78 times.
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets.
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."