Latest Jokes

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?

An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.

A mafia actuary can name them.

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.

Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!


"Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday."

"Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?"

"What do you mean 'took them out of their shells!'"

I was raised as an only child.

That got on my brother’s nerves.

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general "go-fer" at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."