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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am, I'm her mother!"
Frances and her sister Penny were at a fancy party; as they passed by a group of people, they overhear them having a conversation about Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant....One of the great geniuses....A fine fellow....Very admirable."
Hoping to join in the general conversation, Penny remarked casually, "Ah yes, I very much agree about Mozart. Why, just this morning, I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush and everyone looked at her. Frances leaned over and hissed in Penny's ear, "We're leaving now, get in the car."
As they began making their way home, Penny noticed her sister glowering and asked, "Say, what's the matter?"
"What's the matter? What's the matter?" Frances snapped back. "Gad, I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You just told everyone that you saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island when everyone knows full well that the No. 5 bus doesn't even GO to Coney Island!"
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