My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits ... and their bulging stomachs.
Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
The old lady had a parrot who had never spoken a word in eight years. She had tried everything she could think of to teach him to speak, from reading books, magazines and newspapers to him, playing the radio and TV around him, and inviting friends over for a chat, but nothing ever seemed to change.
One day, the lady was working in her garden; the parrot's cage was right by a nearby window. Suddenly, lo and behold, the parrot yelled, "Look out!"
Unfortunately, the lady didn't hear him and was immediately chased away by a swarm of angry bees. The parrot tsks and shakes his head indignantly. "Eight years she spends teaching me to talk and then I can't get her to listen."
A woman is walking along the beach with her children, appearing to be looking for something. At this moment, a lifeguard traipses up to them. "Excuse me, ma'am," he says. "I had noticed you seemed to be looking for something and wish to offer my help."
"Yes, my husband is missing," the woman replies with concern. "My kids buried him in the sand and now we can't find him."
"Do you remember where you were sitting recently?" the lifeguard asks. The woman looks up at him incredulously. "Don't be silly, would you have remembered where you were sitting a year ago?"