"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you assume the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn wearing my swimming trunks?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first... No spaces, all lowercase!
My wife said she'd like to have another baby...
I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.
"Why does your sister have yeast and shoe polish for breakfast?"
"Because she wants to rise and shine."