Finally old enough to date, I awkwardly take my first girlfriend to a fancy restaurant where they don't have cheeseburgers or pizza on the menu.
Waitress: Soup or Salad?
Me: Sure, super salad sounds good!
Waitress: Sir, soup or salad?
Me: Yep, super salad sounds good.
Waitress, slightly annoyed: Would you like the soup.... or... the salad?
Me, embarrassed and red: I'll have the salad.
John: "When I was taking psychology classes in college, they taught us that the first sign that someone is going insane is that they grow hair on their knuckles."
Fred: (While looking at his knuckles) "Really? I didn't know that."
John: "Yes. And do you know what the second sign is?"
Fred: "No. What?"
John: "Looking for it."
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son three quarters to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was slow and boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for 75 cents."