A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer isn't always right!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
One day I'm walking down a street and as soon as I walk by the pet store, a parrot says to me, "PUNK!"
The next day, the same thing happens. The day after that it happens again. This time I go to the owner of the pet store and told him what's been going on. He says that he'll take care of it.
Next week, I'm walking past the pet store and this time the parrot is wearing a suit. He says nothing to me as I go where I'm heading off to. The next day the same thing happens. The day after that the same thing happens. I walk over to the parrot and say to him, "Why aren't you calling me "PUNK" anymore?
The parrot quickly replies, "I don't talk to punks when I'm wearing nice clothes!"