A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
Today had to be one of the most humiliating and worst days of my life! I just finished explaining to both my wife and boss why I'm in the hospital ER.
You see, it had been over 40 years since I've jumped on the back of a moving horse. I really thought that it would come back to me as easily as jumping on a bicycle again, but instead, it turned out to be a HUGE MISTAKE! I mean, I just couldn't stop thinking about how I lost my balance and fell over backwards with my right foot still caught in the stirrup while getting dragged around violently and wondering if I was going to die.
As the Doctor was putting in the very last stitch to the back of my head, he mentioned, "You are very lucky to be alive."
"I know, Doc," I replied. "I also thanked God for the fast thinking on the part of the Merry-Go-Round Operator."
Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
I woke up in the hospital emergency ward. The intern came over and asked me if I knew what happen to bring me to the hospital. I explained, "Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I had been having a great game but unfortunately she was not.
On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds.
We both went looking for the ball. Just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure. Then I called to my wife saying, “Here, honey, this looks like yours.”
“That was the last thing I remember.”