Latest Jokes

The pope is early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Please wait here," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope is his driver."

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and asked them to write the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You ... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than ... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The ... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before ... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate the Power of ... Termites.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water But ... How?

Don't Bite the Hand that ... Looks Dirty.

No News is ... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As a ... Mr.

You Can't Teach an Old Dog New ... Math.

If You Lie Down With the Dogs, You'll ... Stink in the Morning.

Love All, Trust ... Me

The Pen is Mightier Than the ... Pigs.

An Idle Mind is ... The Best Way to Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's ... Pollution.

Happy the Bride Who ... Gets All the Presents!

A Penny Saved is ... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's ... The Musketeers.

None are so Blind as... Helen Keller.

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"