As little Johnny's mother was tucking him in after reading a bedtime story, she made the remark that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell, and feet to run.
"I think God got mixed up," said little Johnny.
"Why do you think that?" inquired his mother.
"Because it's the other way around, my nose runs and my feet smell."
One night while I was watching TV, I got a call from a strange number. Before I could react, my wife reached over, grabbed my phone and answered it.
"Honey," a sweet woman's voice came from my phone, "why haven't you been coming over lately?"
My wife got so angry that she started making a scene. In order to calm her down, I had no other choice but to go shopping with her and bought the bag she had been wanting. When we got home, my wife went inside and left her phone outside in the car. I was just about to bring it in to her when the phone buzzed. A new message appeared on the screen...
"Did you get that bag?"
As I was eating a piece of Christmas chocolate my wife told me about an article she had read about chocolate.
Seems that the article indicated that for every piece of chocolate one eats that your life is reduced by 2 minutes.
By this standard I figure that I have been dead since 1875.