A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.
"What is that?"
"Jake," said his employer, "you've done a lot of good things since you've been here. I'm going to increase your pay five dollars a week."
"Thanks boss," replied Jake. "Would you mind putting that in writing?"
"Why? Don't you trust me?"
"I trust you boss," replied Jake. "It's my wife. If I say I got a five dollar raise, she will think it's really fifteen. I just need proof."
A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Marco would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Boss goes to confront Marco about his missing $10 million, he takes his lawyer who knows sign language. The Boss tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Marco, "Where's the money?"
Marco signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about?"
The lawyer tells the Boss, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Boss pulls out a pistol, puts it to Marco's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Marco, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Marco trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, in the shed at my house.
The Boss asks, "What did he say?"
"Boss, he says you're not man enough to pull the trigger."
The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Cunningham insurance on her husband's life. In fact he thought it was too easy.
When all the details were finalized Mrs. Cunningham casually asked, "Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?"
"That would depend entirely," the insurance man replied, "on how the evidence is presented to the jury."