A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you, "You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Oh man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"