Latest Jokes
Favorite this joke I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still...
Place a bet on them!
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
SHERIFF: Miss Morgendorfer, I thought I told you that I didn't want to see your face in my station again?
MISS MORGENDOFER: Well, that's what I told the officer who arrested me, but she didn't want to listen, so here I am.
After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Gooney bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Gooney bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Gooney bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Gooney bird! The shelf!"
Again the Gooney bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Gooney bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Gooney Bird, my foot!"
Free Daily Joke