Mary Jane: "Your husband's birthday is coming up. What are you getting him?"
Wife: "Oh, 100 of his favorite cigars."
Mary Jane: "What did you pay for them?"
Wife: "Nothing! For the last few months I have taken one or two from his box daily. He has not noticed and will be delighted with my ability in getting the kind he always smoked."
In the daily briefing for the weather the weather man suggested with 100% certainty that the forecast for the afternoon call for heavy rains.
Assistant: "Are you positive, sir?"
Weatherman: "Yes indeed. I've lost my umbrella, I got my car washed on the way in, I'm going golfing, and my wife's giving a lawn party."
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.
"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?" asked the policeman.
Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said, "No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."
"The second followed his lead and said, "My names is William, W.H. Smith."
The third said, "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"