Latest Jokes

So I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from ceiling with stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal.

At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients. He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he re-positions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other.

After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting.

Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair.

“That's easy," came the reply, "seeing that I am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front."