A couple moved to the country after retirement. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought a sub-sonic mouse repellent, a plug-in type that emits some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on everything from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said. "Mice to elephants, eh?" sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now, and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
Two aliens were strolling around a small town in the US when they had a sudden urge to taste some Earth food. Having no Earth currency, they decided to steal two chocolate bars from a shop. So they walked into the shop and when they thought the shopkeeper wasn’t looking, they slipped the chocolate bars into the pockets of their space suits and hurriedly left.
But they had only gone a few yards when they heard the shopkeeper shout, “Hey! You haven’t paid for those!”
They ran back to their mothership as fast as their alien legs would carry them and just managed to climb through the doors of the craft before the shopkeeper could catch them. In the sanctuary of the craft, one of the young aliens turned breathlessly to the other and said, “I don’t know how that shopkeeper saw us stealing.”
“Me neither,” said the other. “He must have eyes in the front of his head.”
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck".