What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.
In an upscale pet supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.
"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said.
"See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"
For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?"
A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."
A magical genie suddenly appears.
GENIE: "I grant you 10 wishes."
ME: "Isn't it usually just 3?"
GENIE: "Yes, but you've got a lot of issues going on here."